Feedback 3

Peer Review; SLA Argument

Author’s Name:             Jazmine                                                Peer Review’s Name: Craig Mckenzie

What is the main point, the argument?

Last paragraph: “The audience is who makes it appear daunting and distasteful, the reason stereotypes even exist is because people judge the way others are living. Adams’ work exposes what he feels and sees in Appalachia, and his photography may end up dismantling the idea of said stereotypes.” Good argument but I would want to see it more directly linked to the commentary in the body paragraphs.

How does the argument refute potential detractors? [

Starting in your introduction you make sure to take a neutral stance and not upset anyone. You acknowledge there are two sides to the argument. Your paragraphs also do a good job at showing both sides.

Introduction:

I would take out the “blah blah once said” because it is boring as none other… You can easily start with just the quote if that’s what you want to use. It will create a larger shock facter. Good about of background

Paragraph Concerns:

They seem to be a good length. The ideas within are related. Try to condense the amount of evidence you present and spend more time discussing the implications of the quotes/examples. Make sure you answer the “so what” behind each point you are bringing up.

Evidence: 

There is a lot of evidence and condensing it would do wonders but it is well organized in paragraphs. I like that you rely more on the quotes and hard evidence instead of what you may know. Omission of personal pronouns makes your argument much stronger.

Transitions:

They’re kind of lacking. You have a somewhat transition at “after questioning” but I realize that this really ahs to do with what you are talking about next. It would be good to include a quick subordinate clause to wrap up the last paragraph and then talk about what’s next. That way you tie up and relate to the next idea. “while I just talked about this, in the same way I will be talking about something similar but different”

Conclusion: 

You propose a new idea but then continue to wrap up all of the loose ends talked about in the above paragraphs. I think your conclusion is very strong but I would suggest cutting or somehow getting rid of the rhetorical questions. You are trying to conclude not spark new thought.

Voice/Audience: 

I’m not a big fan of the rhetorical questions in your conclusion. You did a great job excluding personal pronouns which I think made your argument stronger. You kept people with other opinions in mind. Nice!

Revision Suggestions:

Turn some of that evidence into commentary and talk about the implications more that what happened. We all saw the pictures and know what he did. Don’t ask questions in your conclusion. Add transitions to make the paper flow.

Feedback 2

Peer Review; SLA Argument

Author’s Name:             Jazmine                                                Peer Review’s Name: Craig Mckenzie

What is the main point, the argument?

“His focus on the negative and

dramatic, distortion of the background and lack of story in his photographs ultimately

establishes that Adams wants to craft a vision of his own instead of Appalachia.”

How does the argument refute potential detractors? [

This is done pretty well. You acknowledge that there is another side to the issue in the introductory paragraph yet you don’t carry on about it.

Introduction:

The striking quote captures my attention quickly and it follows the pattern of broad to focused. I like that you tell the audience where you are going to go.

Paragraph Concerns:

Your paragraphs contain a lot of great ideas. But, they’re really long, especially the last body paragraph. Split them up and condense your ideas. This should also help with the overall flow.

Evidence: 

So. Much. Evidence. In the first paragraph alone you talk about what seem to be 2-3 different ideas. These ideas are great though. They need to be sorted and then built upon. Answer the “so what?” behind each piece of evidence to convince me of your argument.

Transitions:

While they’re minimal, they are there and they are functional to some degree. Instead of just saying “at the same time” or “yet” try to use the transition to sum up the previous paragraph and introduce a new idea along the same lines.

Conclusion: 

Get rid of the “inconvenient truth” part. Everything else is good up until that last line. It is clique and screams Al Gore.

Voice/Audience: 

I’m not a big fan of the rhetorical questions that you ask in the middle of your body paragraphs. While I like that you stayed away from personal pronouns, some of the syntax was a little hard to follow especially in the last body paragraph.

Revision Suggestions:

Way too much evidence. Sort the evidence into catigories which will become your body paragraphs then you can expand on those ideas in an organized way. Insert some of the impacts of this evidence instead of giving a simple shopping list.

Feedback 1

Peer Review; SLA Argument

Author’s Name:             Sarah                                        Peer Review’s Name: Craig Mckenzie

What is the main point, the argument?

Last paragraph, last sentence. Very well said! Maybe incorporate some of these ideas into the introductory paragraph so readers know what direction the paper is going.

How does the argument refute potential detractors? [

There was not much to comfort those who disagree with you. I did a paragraph all on the counter argument and then said why I disagree with it. The diction used here is pretty harsh. Maybe say why you can see the other perspective? The conclusion would be a good place for this.

Introduction:

The intro brings in platos cave idea which I thought was tied in really well to the idea of SLA’s photographs. I would try to condense the explanation of the cave idea though into just a few sentences. It would also be nice to have a thesis or general idea about where the paper is going.

Paragraph Concerns:

Your paragraphs are really well developed and I like the content. The length of #2 and #3 though is WAY too long. Consider splitting these two mega paragraphs into two smaller ones. The content could stay the same but the shorter paragraphs would make it easier to read.

Evidence: 

I like how you not only use strong quotes but you integrate them well! Yay!!!! Anyways, I think they are good quotes to use and  you put them well. I think it was a good call to not use personal feelings too.

Transitions:

Your transitions between your paragraphs are basically nonexistent. Consider adding something like “while _________ it can also be seen that (what this paragraph is about” Even adding like an additionally, or next, or something will help.

Conclusion: 

All loose ends are tied together and you make it REALLY clear what side you stand on. But this is somewhat a turn off. You take a really strong side and make your argument clear but may offend some people who disagree.

Voice/Audience: 

Your voice is superb. The exclusion of “I”, “us”, “we”, etc really makes this paper strong. It keeps the argument distant and believable. My only concern again is the lack of inclusion of the other argument for SLA. Address that.

Revision Suggestions:

Shorten you introduction paragraph by condensing platos philosophy. Start to drive towards your argument as well. Add transitions and break up those two long middle paragraphs. Consider adding a short paragraph after the intro paragraph about the other side of the argument.

An Interesting Intro and Forceful Thesis

Drive in Appalachia with all four windows down and look around. The roads are calm and traffic is close to non-existent. The only thing to hear is the leaves of the trees brushing against each other as the car passes. The cool, fresh air with a clean smell rushes to fill to cabin of the car and refreshes the lungs with each deep breath in.  The view is astounding: mountains of soaring green purple and grey as far as the eye can see, lush green trees lining every road, and dancing wildflowers in the clearings. This beautiful region is home to thousands of families from different backgrounds, beliefs, and socioeconomic levels. It is also the childhood home of Shelby Lee Adams who photographs what seem to be the trenches of Appalachia. While Shelby Lee Adam’s photographs contain artistic value, they are taken on false pretenses and  destroy the true image of beautiful Appalachia.

With a click of a camera, a resident of Appalachia says she “could make you a very ugly, sinister looking person.” Shelby Lee Adams, an Appalachian native, returns to his home to take pictures of the residents. While he acts much like a documenter he is creating art. Black and white photographs are filled with action and paint a story of obvious poverty, suffering, and barbarianism. While Shelby Lee Adam’s photographs contain artistic value, they are taken on false pretenses and  destroy the true image of beautiful Appalachia.

The pictures may be the same but the thoughts are different.

Looking at these pictures as a northern urbanite, I shrivel up as many would. I want to hide in my cocoon of brick and mortar and turn the television to a more uplifting channel: TLC would work. I see filth, disease, and really just simple sorrow. Could I live in such conditions where my house seems to be falling under the weight of my own malnourished step? Probably not is the easy answer. The people of eastern Kentucky do, however, and I respect that, as it is their way of life. They are content and happy in a sense, yet Shelby Lee Adams photographs them. He argues that he is their friend and that they enjoy the attention and company. He even gives them a copy of the pictures and ensures they are happy with the product. My problem with this is that everything seems to be based off of a lie: the posing and exploitation. Adams says that he pictures these people in their hollows. They are supposed to be in their natural habitat so to speak. He stages the photos though, making their humble abodes seem ‘trashy’ and emphasizing the decay. Although he claims to be photographing the last members of a dying race and culture, to me at least, it seems like he is documenting the reasons behind the decay: barbarian behavior. Lastly, Adams discusses how he was raised in the region and how he worked with his uncle on house calls to gain the respect of people in the area. I find this is a sort of exploitation, which should not be over looked. He is in a different class as these people: doctors nephew and Massachusetts’s resident. While he may not have the captions describing the decay in his pictures, he does have the sensibilities as to how the people will be viewed in the pictures.