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Peer Review; SLA Argument

Author’s Name:             Sarah                                        Peer Review’s Name: Craig Mckenzie

What is the main point, the argument?

Last paragraph, last sentence. Very well said! Maybe incorporate some of these ideas into the introductory paragraph so readers know what direction the paper is going.

How does the argument refute potential detractors? [

There was not much to comfort those who disagree with you. I did a paragraph all on the counter argument and then said why I disagree with it. The diction used here is pretty harsh. Maybe say why you can see the other perspective? The conclusion would be a good place for this.

Introduction:

The intro brings in platos cave idea which I thought was tied in really well to the idea of SLA’s photographs. I would try to condense the explanation of the cave idea though into just a few sentences. It would also be nice to have a thesis or general idea about where the paper is going.

Paragraph Concerns:

Your paragraphs are really well developed and I like the content. The length of #2 and #3 though is WAY too long. Consider splitting these two mega paragraphs into two smaller ones. The content could stay the same but the shorter paragraphs would make it easier to read.

Evidence: 

I like how you not only use strong quotes but you integrate them well! Yay!!!! Anyways, I think they are good quotes to use and  you put them well. I think it was a good call to not use personal feelings too.

Transitions:

Your transitions between your paragraphs are basically nonexistent. Consider adding something like “while _________ it can also be seen that (what this paragraph is about” Even adding like an additionally, or next, or something will help.

Conclusion: 

All loose ends are tied together and you make it REALLY clear what side you stand on. But this is somewhat a turn off. You take a really strong side and make your argument clear but may offend some people who disagree.

Voice/Audience: 

Your voice is superb. The exclusion of “I”, “us”, “we”, etc really makes this paper strong. It keeps the argument distant and believable. My only concern again is the lack of inclusion of the other argument for SLA. Address that.

Revision Suggestions:

Shorten you introduction paragraph by condensing platos philosophy. Start to drive towards your argument as well. Add transitions and break up those two long middle paragraphs. Consider adding a short paragraph after the intro paragraph about the other side of the argument.