Feedback 3

Peer Review; SLA Argument

Author’s Name:             Jazmine                                                Peer Review’s Name: Craig Mckenzie

What is the main point, the argument?

Last paragraph: “The audience is who makes it appear daunting and distasteful, the reason stereotypes even exist is because people judge the way others are living. Adams’ work exposes what he feels and sees in Appalachia, and his photography may end up dismantling the idea of said stereotypes.” Good argument but I would want to see it more directly linked to the commentary in the body paragraphs.

How does the argument refute potential detractors? [

Starting in your introduction you make sure to take a neutral stance and not upset anyone. You acknowledge there are two sides to the argument. Your paragraphs also do a good job at showing both sides.

Introduction:

I would take out the “blah blah once said” because it is boring as none other… You can easily start with just the quote if that’s what you want to use. It will create a larger shock facter. Good about of background

Paragraph Concerns:

They seem to be a good length. The ideas within are related. Try to condense the amount of evidence you present and spend more time discussing the implications of the quotes/examples. Make sure you answer the “so what” behind each point you are bringing up.

Evidence: 

There is a lot of evidence and condensing it would do wonders but it is well organized in paragraphs. I like that you rely more on the quotes and hard evidence instead of what you may know. Omission of personal pronouns makes your argument much stronger.

Transitions:

They’re kind of lacking. You have a somewhat transition at “after questioning” but I realize that this really ahs to do with what you are talking about next. It would be good to include a quick subordinate clause to wrap up the last paragraph and then talk about what’s next. That way you tie up and relate to the next idea. “while I just talked about this, in the same way I will be talking about something similar but different”

Conclusion: 

You propose a new idea but then continue to wrap up all of the loose ends talked about in the above paragraphs. I think your conclusion is very strong but I would suggest cutting or somehow getting rid of the rhetorical questions. You are trying to conclude not spark new thought.

Voice/Audience: 

I’m not a big fan of the rhetorical questions in your conclusion. You did a great job excluding personal pronouns which I think made your argument stronger. You kept people with other opinions in mind. Nice!

Revision Suggestions:

Turn some of that evidence into commentary and talk about the implications more that what happened. We all saw the pictures and know what he did. Don’t ask questions in your conclusion. Add transitions to make the paper flow.