Feedback 2

Peer Review; SLA Argument

Author’s Name:             Jazmine                                                Peer Review’s Name: Craig Mckenzie

What is the main point, the argument?

“His focus on the negative and

dramatic, distortion of the background and lack of story in his photographs ultimately

establishes that Adams wants to craft a vision of his own instead of Appalachia.”

How does the argument refute potential detractors? [

This is done pretty well. You acknowledge that there is another side to the issue in the introductory paragraph yet you don’t carry on about it.

Introduction:

The striking quote captures my attention quickly and it follows the pattern of broad to focused. I like that you tell the audience where you are going to go.

Paragraph Concerns:

Your paragraphs contain a lot of great ideas. But, they’re really long, especially the last body paragraph. Split them up and condense your ideas. This should also help with the overall flow.

Evidence: 

So. Much. Evidence. In the first paragraph alone you talk about what seem to be 2-3 different ideas. These ideas are great though. They need to be sorted and then built upon. Answer the “so what?” behind each piece of evidence to convince me of your argument.

Transitions:

While they’re minimal, they are there and they are functional to some degree. Instead of just saying “at the same time” or “yet” try to use the transition to sum up the previous paragraph and introduce a new idea along the same lines.

Conclusion: 

Get rid of the “inconvenient truth” part. Everything else is good up until that last line. It is clique and screams Al Gore.

Voice/Audience: 

I’m not a big fan of the rhetorical questions that you ask in the middle of your body paragraphs. While I like that you stayed away from personal pronouns, some of the syntax was a little hard to follow especially in the last body paragraph.

Revision Suggestions:

Way too much evidence. Sort the evidence into catigories which will become your body paragraphs then you can expand on those ideas in an organized way. Insert some of the impacts of this evidence instead of giving a simple shopping list.